Men and Committed Relationships

Have you consistently ended up in a relationship with men who didn’t see or bring out the best in you? Then take a deep breath – because you deserve a man who sees you and can love and nurture you the way you would him.

But what if you’ve found yourself with a series of men who have been in some way negative, abusive, critical or controlling, or in some way seriously LACKING the kind of “relationship skills” that are necessary for a fulfilling relationship?

If so, it’s possible that your own past, your thoughts and feelings are actually ATTRACTING the wrong men, and that you end up becoming ATTACHED and staying in these kinds of relationships for all the wrong reasons.

Your first step, if you’re truly ready to put an end to this cycle, is this:
Starting saying “No!” and radically reject these kinds of hurtful behaviors from any man. Yes – there are creeps out there.

It’s your job, and yours only, to say “No!” and remove any man from your life who isn’t showing you he’s worthy of your love and attention. But when you keep going on with hurtful relationships… and you go through one disastrous relationship after another… the worst starts to happen for you.

It starts to try and turn you into someone who acts fearful, protective and defensive around any man you meet. Things will only get worse for you if you let the bad relationships from your past get into the driver’s seat when you finally meet a guy you could have a healthy relationship with.

So,  do you seem to unknowingly attract “unavailable” men?
In this email I’m going to teach you why a man will act afraid of a real relationship…
And how lots of women both CHOOSE the wrong men… and bring out the “bad qualities” in the right men and ruin things for themselves.

**Quick Tip: Just because you’ve been happily dating a man for several weeks, months or even years… it doesn’t automatically mean he is thinking or feeling “commitment“, or seeking a deeper lasting expression of his LOVE.**

If you’re like most women, then by experience you already know this to be true. And it scares you. You can spend time with a man, get close, become intimate and bond… and he can still NOT WANT to enter into a relationship with you.

So why are so many men “unavailable”? The short answer is because men have a different RELATIONSHIP TIMELINE for wanting to get “serious” with a woman… and a different way of seeing how love and an exclusive committed relationship comes together.

But what can you do with this? The first thing you should know is… a man’s “Commitment Tempo” (when he’ll want to take things to the next level with you) has NOTHING to do with how long you’ve been together.

Don’t get yourself hung up on this like lots of other women who try and “convince” a man it’s time because however many months have already passed and he SHOULD BE ready. Talking this way to a man is a great way to shoot yourself in the foot and encourage him to pull away.

What matters, and what works, is addressing where you both are in terms of your EMOTIONAL CONNECTION… instead of worrying and talking about TIME.

If you’ve ever been with a man and shared something amazing for several months and grown closer and closer, but then he RESISTED and WITHDREW once you actually talked about how things were moving forward between you… then you know exactly what I’m talking about.
Here’s the secret:

A man doesn’t commit to a woman in a conversation, or even with his words. It’s something he just FEELS inside and wants for himself. Do you know what creates this DESIRE and FEELING inside a man?

Now let’s get down to what’s really going on inside your heart when it comes to men and relationships. Here’s what I want to know first:

Why is it so clear and easy for other women to fall in love with a man, and for a relationship to effortlessly come together and grow … While YOU keep attracting all the men out there who are “unavailable” and SEEM great at first, but eventually get scared and just can’t go “deeper” with you?

Is this “unavailable” thing really a problem so many men are carrying around that gets in the way of love? Or … Could it also be that YOU play a part in finding men who are “unavailable”?…  And that you bring about that unavailable RESPONSE which is already lying there dormant inside even the most “evolved” men?

I want to share with you what could be a new and enlightening perspective on all this…  There’s an important realization all SMART and LOVING women I know end up coming to at some point in their love lives.

It’s a “light bulb” that suddenly just turns on… and when it does you instantly grow and see things with a new sense of CLARITY. Unfortunately, most women only come to this important realization AFTER they’ve been through the pain and frustration of doing everything they can think of to “revive” their relationship and failing.

I’ll tell you what this REALIZATION is:

It’s that when you’re with a man who is feeling or acting UNCERTAIN with you… even if you could give him an “ultimatum” that would move things ahead to the place in your relationship that YOU WANT…

A man who moves ahead in his relationship with you because you asked him or demanded it, isn’t very vested in the relationship. This kind of situation is a very “weak” and dangerous place from which to enter into a loving relationship.

Especially for you as a woman who likely wants a man who is truly COMMITTED to being with you on a physical, mental, emotional, and even spiritual level…. Knowing this, let me ask you…

**Do men truly COMMIT and choose to love and become loyal, caring, affectionate, etc. just because a woman ASKS THEM?…   Or does a man need to have HIS OWN REASONS for being and feeling this way?

It’s a VERY IMPORTANT question.

If you’ve had one or more relationships where you were ready for “more”… but the man you were with was seeming to drag his heels, or just not care about your relationship… and you tried to make it work but it only seemed to BACKFIRE- then this question could be one of the most important questions you ever ask yourself.

Seriously…. So as a bit of homework, I want you to stop for a second and THINK ABOUT IT…

Do men truly COMMIT and choose to love and become truly loyal, caring, and affectionate just because a woman ASKS IT OF THEM?  Or…

Does a man need to have HIS OWN REASONS for truly feeling and being this way with you, if it’s going to LAST?

WHERE TO START LEARNING ABOUT WHAT MAKES HIM WANT TO COMMIT WITH YOU

Let me be unusually direct with you, for your own good:
Have you finally figured out that if you don’t know HOW TO GET A MAN TO OPEN UP and talk and share his deeper thoughts and feelings with you… that it’s going to be impossible to make your relationship work?

Lots of women think they get how this works because they talk a lot about what’s on THEIR MIND.

For most women, this is common Communication Mistake #1 in their relationship:

Sharing YOUR FEELINGS first, and often, because you believe this will somehow get him to share his feelings in return.

This is not a great way to get a man to “open up” to you and get in touch with his feelings. This is not his “emotional process.”… Especially with a man you’re in a relationship with who is already acting “withdrawn” and has shut off his feelings from you.

This kind of MORE IS BETTER approach about talking and sharing YOUR FEELINGS actually WORKS AGAINST YOU more than it helps you with men who are acting uncertain and withdrawn.

Here’s the deal… If you know anything about a man, then you should know that to get to know HIS FEELINGS, then more talk about YOUR FEELINGS is NOT the answer.

Which leads me to common Communication Mistake #2:

Out of all the things that can go wrong in a relationship, I’ve found one that causes women more pain, frustration, and leads to BAD OUTCOMES with the man in their life than anything else…

It’s the SAME ISSUE that keeps popping up at the beginning of their romantic relationships:

EXPECTATIONS.

It’s when a woman expects that the relationship will progress to something more committed, but ends up feeling disappointed when she finds out the man doesn’t want the same thing.

This problem usually plays itself out in one of two ways.

I’m sure you’ll identify with one (if not both) of these:

SCENARIO #1: You know exactly what you want out of the relationship, but rather than “rock the boat” by having a conversation in which you make your expectations clear, you decide to WAIT IT OUT in hopes that the man will soon feel the same way and that everything will just “work itself out.”

SCENARIO #2: You know exactly what you want out of the relationship but as soon as you get the sense that the guy doesn’t share your desires or isn’t “on the same page” emotionally, you subtly and unconsciously decide to PRETEND that you’re cool with things just being casual, even though you know you need a lot MORE to be happy and content.

Predictably, when you find yourself in either of these two scenarios, it becomes a slippery slope toward ultimate relationship disaster….  Here’s how this plays out:

First – you start feeling unfulfilled, anxious or worried that you’re not getting what you want and need from the relationship. Second – you don’t know how to say what you’re feeling and what you want in a mature, honest way, so you say nothing at all or you drop “hints” that are misunderstood or ignored. Third – he doesn’t change anything about the way he’s treating you or the relationship, and you become frustrated or disappointed because he doesn’t really “get” what’s missing and what you want from him Fourth – your frustration builds up even more and either brings you to an emotionally destructive CONFRONTATION with him that FREAKS him out (like an ultimatum)… or all the silent tension and negative feelings between you make him act distant, disconnected and maybe he even starts losing interest in you.

Remember going down this road?

Not fun … I’ve been there myself….

So what’s going on here? And what can you do about it?

“CENTER” YOURSELF FIRST… AND GET CLEAR ABOUT WHAT YOU WANT

What you need to do FIRST, before you do anything else, is get CLEAR about what you want and expect from your love life…  You need to be honest with YOURSELF first, before you can be honest with anyone else in your life.

Stop PRETENDING you only want a “casual” fun fling when what you REALLY want is to have a committed, serious relationship that’s “going somewhere.”

Here’s the thing: Getting clear about what you want will help guide your mind in all kinds of POSITIVE DIRECTIONS to help you find and attract the right situations and people in your life.

But, unfortunately, being CLEAR and HONEST is not that simple for most women when “the rubber meets the road” in dating and relationships.

The reality is, knowing what they want and expect can turn into a source of EXTREME frustration and anxiety for a lot of women.

Why is that? I’ll explain…

Expectations can definitely set us off in good directions in our lives… but when we don’t feel like we have the CONTROL over how to get those expectations met, the “wheels really start to come off the car,” so to speak.

A woman may “feel” like the man she’s been dating is “The One” and she can see things getting much more committed and serious, but she also senses she doesn’t have the right tools or skills to know how to COMMUNICATE those desires to the man in a positive way.

Simply put, the woman is AFRAID that approaching the guy with a heavy “talk” will either scare him away.  Or…   She herself doesn’t know what “taking it to the next level” really means to HIM, why he would want this, and how to go about talking about it in a way that builds trust and makes him want to open up and share.

So she avoids telling the man what she’s really thinking and feeling about their relationship. Instead, she starts to accept or downplay the little disappointments she feels…. Until one day she finally wakes up and realizes that she doesn’t have the kind of relationship she THOUGHT she would have with this man, and she’s just not happy with herself or the situation.

And sometimes this “awakening” doesn’t even happen until after the man cheats or leaves. Let’s just simplify things and boil it down to that one thing that is the cause of all the trouble and confusion:

FEAR.

The unfortunate truth is that some women don’t want to dig deeper into what a man truly wants because of their own fears…. They’re AFRAID of finding out the truth about what a man truly feels about them, and their future together.

And the most dreaded fear of all… REJECTION and ABANDONMENT.

These two things are SO STRONG AND POWERFUL that something fascinating happens in the woman’s mind when there’s even a small potential for either of these….

Their mind starts a cycle of SELF-DECEPTION. Here’s how it works:

The fear of pain and loss often leads us to ignore our thoughts and intuition and replace our fearful thoughts with happier thoughts that make us feel comfortable.

It’s the mind’s “emotional defense mechanism”… I know you felt this before.

How many times have you been unsure – deep down – about the man you are seeing, but instead of examining those doubts and finding a way for you to deal with your own feelings, you decided to actually BUILD HIM UP to your friends and family as being a wonderful catch because you didn’t want to face some of the problems lurking deep in the back of your mind?

You thought that you’d help things out by telling yourself and having faith in what you wanted to be true.

…And sometimes, in the process of making up these “new truths” you even start to convince YOURSELF that he’s a better guy than he actually is?

Or maybe you’ve been in a situation where you’ve gotten no indication that the man you’re seeing wants any kind of serious relationship, but you choose to believe that you’re building a committed relationship as things slowly and naturally escalate.

Making those assumptions without the basis of direct communication can lead to BIG TROUBLE down the road… Save yourself the wasted energy and the broken heart.

If you’re looking to move past the fear and insecurity you feel with men but don’t want to get in touch with or let anyone know about, then I’d like to help you get in touch and start the “healing” and growth process.
Remember, a man can’t read your mind, or know all that’s in your heart.

And if you’re carrying around pain or fear, it’s surely getting in the way of a man seeing the beautiful and real you underneath that he would want to know and love.

Don’t keep a man from seeing the best of the real you that’s inside. Make it easy for him, and for you. Now, back to working with your own expectations, and being with a man and discovering how he is feeling.

Here’s a question that’s probably already on your mind:
How can you be sure you’re involved with the RIGHT guy, and know how he’s feeling, and if he shares your expectations and desires?… The answer is HONESTY.

HONESTY is one of the most liberating and valuable traits to develop – and it’s even more valuable when you’re dating…. And guess what else?

It FEELS REALLY GOOD to be completely open and honest.

Plus, even when it seems like it would push you and a man apart, it has an amazing way of bringing you closer together and building more love and admiration.

But only if you know how to share your thoughts and honest feelings in a way that SERVES YOU and your relationship.

Not all communication is equal.

You can MEAN something, but depending on how you share it with someone… it can either be received as loving and “good”… or as NEGATIVE and CRITICAL…. How is what you are feeling being RECEIVED?

And how does this relate to the way you choose to COMMUNICATE what you are feeling?

A WAY TO COMMUNICATE YOUR NEEDS AND DESIRES WITH A MAN THAT HE’LL LOVE AND RESPOND TO

Let me tell you something important that you might have gotten mixed up inside your head as a woman in relationships with men where they wouldn’t listen…

It’s OK to want what you want and to let a man know it…. In fact, it’s a MUST.
And it’s OK to tell a man that his behavior doesn’t match with what you want.
For example:

If a woman is honest and up front about what she wants and expects from a man, in a way that says that she’s not too attached to the immediate outcome and she subtly lets him know that he better have his act together or else… It can take the usual “teeth pulling” talk into an opportunity for building attraction and a deep source of commitment with a man.

But remember – YOU CAN’T FAKE IT….  You have to be in a place where you truly believe that you’ll find and meet your expectations for love and relationships, with or without the man who’s there in front of you right then…. No matter how much you love him.

That means you have to be in the right frame of mind, and state in your heart, BEFORE you start the conversation with him…

But most women aren’t in the right frame of mind because they’re afraid, and they’ve “tricked” themselves into thinking that their intimate feelings for a man will scare him off.

WRONG.

It’s not honesty that will scare him off, it’s the negative, fearful and anxious “vibe” that you unknowingly give off before you finally EXPLODE because you can no longer hide how you feel from the man you’re with. That’s what scares some men off and makes them clam up.

The amazing thing is that men crave HONEST women who are up front about who they are and what they want in relationships…. The key is to know the RIGHT WAY to communicate these things without going over the top.

Remember, if you communicate with a man in a way that assumes, begs, convinces, or makes him think that you’re “entitled” to a relationship and a commitment with him, he will NEVER, EVER respect you and want to stay for the long-term.

You might get what you want in the short-term if he gives in to your wishes just to avoid a conflict, but trust me, you are headed for MUCH bigger problems in the future….  Or worse, you’ll get what you want NOW, but he’s spent the past months – or YEARS – secretly SEETHING WITH RESENTMENT towards you.

Not good….  GIVE HIM A GOOD REASON TO WANT TO COMMIT TO YOU

You just can’t “talk” a man into wanting to commit to you by listing all the ways your relationship is special. This is something VERY IMPORTANT to remember when it comes to men and relationships.

**You have to give a man the right “REASONS” for him to want to and make HIMSELF committed. **

Becoming deeply committed doesn’t often just happen with the passing of time for a man. He won’t want to commit “just because” it’s been six months or a year (or longer). He won’t commit to you because you explain how you think you’re better than all the women he’s dated or because you have such a great “connection.”

He’s going to commit for his own reasons.

So what are these “reasons”?

They’re very complex if you don’t understand them… but simple at the same time…. A man’s reasons for committing, or not committing, are his FEELINGS and EMOTIONS…. Sounds simple, but it’s profound and true. The “masculine” part of a man has to FEEL like he is naturally and of his own free will CHOOSING to be with a woman…. If this happens, his commitment will usually be strong and lasting.

But if a man commits because a woman has been talking to him and analyzing things to show him how a relationship really makes “sense”, then his commitment won’t be strong… and it probably won’t last.

See the difference?

A man’s motivation for commitment is how a woman makes him FEEL when he’s with her. If you want him to respond and have committed feelings for you, then you need to do more of the things that will make him FEEL the desire, interest and attraction that lead him to want to commit.

In other words, WORDS and conversations are the LEAST powerful and effective tools that a woman has when it comes to love and relationships.

The FEELINGS of ATTRACTION that she can create, sometimes without even speaking, are the MOST POWERFUL.

In “The Secret to the Hearts of MEN” I reveal specific ways to subtly communicate to a man the things that will “trigger” that intense level of attraction inside him. You can literally have a man who wasn’t totally “feeling it” for you suddenly take notice and see and recognize the things inside you he simply didn’t look for or see before.

Now, I was only able to give a few simple tips and insights on how to better connect with a man in a way that will lead you both closer together and help him not only talk, but FEEL committed.

And this is a great first step that you can quickly build on as a man starts to see you as the one woman he wants as his one and only partner. Don’t wait for this all to happen on its own, when you know what you want. Go here now and turn up the dial on the level of ATTRACTION a man feels and experiences with you on both a Physical and Emotional level.

You’ll be glad you did.

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Giving Her Turn – Getting Your Girl To Put More Value In Your Relationship

Ever notice how you put more value on something you worked hard for over something else that just fell on your lap? A common example of this is when you see someone spend lottery winnings on a fancy house, but thinking twice about investing life savings.

When something comes with a great deal of effort, that object increases its worth to that person who went through a great deal to get it. The same can be said about relationships. Someone who was won over with little effort can be let go just as easily. But when one is made to invest time and resources, it is harder to let them simply slip away.

Guys, believe it or not, it is okay, if not healthy, to let your lady work at your relationship and making things slightly more challenging for her to get you. After all, women have been playing “hard to get” for the longest time. It’s only right that they be returned the favor.

You may agree, but then you may not know exactly how. So read on for some helpful ideas on letting your mate work on increasing the value of your relationship.

- Retain some enigma.

Perhaps in their eagerness to impress the ladies, guys nowadays tend to share information about themselves short of a resume. That leaves very little for a woman to build her curiosity on.

Women are creatures of curiosity. They are wired to hunt for information on something that they are interested in. Just looking at how they consume gossip magazines will show you that.

Let this work to your advantage by revealing just enough information about yourself to get them interested while giving them hints on how to find out more. For example, let her know that you two have a common friend, but only give hints as to who it is. If she is in the least interested, chances are she’ll be asking everyone she knows if they know you. As a result, you’ll probably be constantly on her mind – which is a very, very good thing.

- Challenge her views.

If you don’t agree with some things your lady believes to be the only truth, let her know your opinions as otherwise. You will find that she will engage you with a lot more enthusiasm, if only to win you over to her side.

The advantage to this is that if you get “won over” by the arguments she made for her case, she’d feel a greater sense of attachment to you. Just be careful in doing so as your challenge can very easily be perceived as picking a fight, which may turn out badly for the both of you.

- Acquire a new skill together.

Whether it is a craft or a sport, encourage your girl to take up something she’s never had before with you. As she agrees, subtly push her to perform better than you are. If you are a very competitive type of guy, this may be quite difficult for you.

But if you keep your competitiveness in check, and allow her to excel over you with this new skill, you help build her confidence while at the same time making you the focus of her efforts.

- Let her imagination work.

When you and your lady have reached the point where you are physically intimate, you access another aspect of your relationship where you can allow you lady to work on.

When it comes to sex, even if she has already encouraged you to talk about it the first time, do what you can to avoid the topic – at least long enough for her to ask the second time. At this point, indulge her with some ideas you have in mind but leave out the details.

Allowing her imagination to fill in the blanks has already got you set up in her mind about the possibilities of an incredible night with you. Remember, a woman’s most erogenous zone is her brain. Work this part of her and it’ll take all of her self-control not to jump you the next time you meet.

These ideas all work to get your woman to invest more time and effort on you, reinforcing the connection you two have made. But be sure to affirm these efforts and let her know that you notice the work she is putting in. Nothing makes her feel better than to know her man thinks she is not only a great partner, but someone who can stand well enough on her own.

Eckhart explains the egos role in love relationships.
Video Rating: 4 / 5

Guys: 2 Things You Need to Know Before You Pursue an Intimate Relationship With a Woman

There may be a time where you’ll come across a woman who only wants a sexual relationship. Before you rush into one with her, there are a few things you need to consider.

Here are the two things you absolutely need to know before being intimate:

1. Feelings may start to develop. This can be very disastrous to the relationship. Since the relationship is built solely on intimacy, this alone can ruin your chances for another intimate encounter. If she’s intimate with you, she may have feelings for you anyway…at least sexually. If you are intimate with a woman who just want something sexual, then DO NOT EXPECT ANYTHING MORE THAN THAT. If you try to express how you feel about her, or worse, push a relationship on her, she may decline.. It may also ruin your chances for any future intimate encounters.

2. She’s probably in a relationship. There’s probably a lack of intimacy that she’s experiencing in her relationship, so she looks elsewhere. Though she’s cheating, it may make sense to her to try to figure out a solution…especially if she has already expressed to her significant other the problem. What you need to do is decide if you really want to be with someone who’s already involved. Take into consideration that there are many possible outcomes in this situation…like her man may become more intimate with her so therefore she may cut you off.

If you feel like you can still handle a sexual relationship, then by all means, have one. But always remember what it is…just something sexual and nothing more. Take that into serious consideration.

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One of my favorite movies. This is the first of several clips from the movie. See also: “Battle of Wits”, “Anybody Want a Peanut” & “My Name is…”.
Video Rating: 4 / 5

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Why Real Love Requires Self Love

MAIN QUOTE

“We are want to condemn self-love; but what we really mean to condemn is contrary to self-love. It is that mixture of selfishness and self-hate that permanently pursues us, that prevents us from loving others, and that prohibits us from losing ourselves.” ~ Paul Valery, French Poet, 1871 – 1945

DR. LISA LOVE REFLECTIONS

As a counselor I have often told people that they need to learn to love themselves. Yet, while saying this to others, I have at times taken pause to reflect and ask myself, “What does that really mean? How do we know the difference between a self-love and a selfish love? And, what can we do practically to love ourselves in the right way?” Perhaps the quote above holds a clue, because I believe true self love fills us with enough joy, peace, and love that our desire to be loving human beings grows. Because of this we want to express more empathy, compassion, and understanding towards others. Selfish love does the contrary. It increases our sense of self-loathing or our disdain and anger towards others. It causes us to act increasingly in our own best interests without considering the interests of others. It causes us to want to sacrifice others needs and desires in service to our own, instead of the other way around. Or, it causes us to self-destruct through a number of behaviors that may feel good temporarily, but ultimately they lead to the shutting down of our hearts and spiral us downward into increased self-loathing and self-reproach.

How then do we love ourselves in the right way? By first and foremost learning what love is. Then, by insisting that we feed ourselves with that love. This is best done by finding people who know how to love. From them we learn how to adopt loving mindsets, feelings, and behaviors. And, it is done by setting boundaries on people who don’t know how to encourage the greatest level of love in us. Because when we truly have that kind of love in our lives we are increasingly a blessing to others. Which is why real love requires that we love ourselves in the right way, so we can have the strength to love, the wisdom to love, and the energy to love those who need our love the most.

Blessings,

Dr. Lisa Love

Copyright © 2009 by Lisa Love. All Rights Reserved.

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Music Video of the 1980’s with Randy Newman
Video Rating: 4 / 5

Why Real Love Requries Honesty

MAIN QUOTE

A lie will easily get you out of a scrape, and yet, strangely and beautifully, rapture possesses you when you have taken the scrape and left out the lie. ~Charles Edward Montague, Disenchantment

DR. LISA LOVE REFLECTIONS

Recently, I picked up a great book, Act Like A Lady, Think Like a Man by Steve Harvey. Overall, I love the book except one part of it gave me pause and made me reflect. It was in the chapter about “Why Men Cheat” on their wives, girlfriends, etc. Harvey’s basic answers are: 1) They Can. 2) They Think They Can Get Away With It. 3) He Hasn’t Become Who He Wants and Needs to Be or Found Who He Truly Wants. 4) What’s Happening at Home Isn’t Happening Like it Used To. 5) There’s Always a Woman Out There Willing to Cheat With Him. And, ultimately he explains the man hasn’t got his priorities straight especially in having a real and meaningful spiritual practice in his life.

Ok. So far, so good. And, I also agree with what Harvey says regarding why a man is able to get away with his cheating and lying behavior with the women he is with. One reason this happens Harvey explains (using my paraphraze of what he says not his exact words now) is because any woman he is with hasn’t set high enough standards in her life to respect and love herself enough to see what is going on right in front of her and take a stand about it. She basically colludes in the notion that denial is good for you. After all, “What you don’t know won’t hurt you.” And, since her denial lets him get away with what he wants to, he is happy to join in on the denial party with her. But, denial is not good for you and it feeds one of my four major love myths I discuss in my Attracting Real Love course — love is blind. Wrong! Real love actually requires 20 – 20 vision because you only know how to really love yourself and others when you are seeing what you need to see clearly.

Which is why when I read this in Harvey’s book I decided I couldn’t disagree more. He says if a woman starts to catch on to a man’s cheating and lying behavior and starts to ask questions a man is going to just do more of his lying and denying game. Why? Harvey says men will do this “if we care about you. But, if not — if a man doesn’t see you fitting into his life plan — he won’t even bother with all of the covering up.” WHOA!!! Come on, Steve! I know the rest of your book also says that a man who really loves a woman won’t cheat, but let’s clear this up right now! Le’t not make it seem like somebody is cheating and hiding the truth from someone out of love. No way, no how!

So, why do we really lie? Plain and simple We’re afraid. Period. Why are we afraid? We don’t love ourselves or the people around us enough to live in truth. And, real love requires the truth. Not some blunt rude make people feel stupid and horrible version of truth. But, truth nonetheless! And, if you want proof of who has the most loving relationships going on between them? Well, it’s between people who can live in truth completely. They love and respect each other so much they want to be honest with them. They care about not hurting them. They care about being loved and respected in return for who they are flaws and all. And, they want a partner who can hear the truth and help bring it all into the realm of consciousness in a loving way and heal any fear in the realm of love. That means the more a couple lies to each other, the more they actually are in fear of each other, which means love really isn’t very present at all.

Now, why do we refuse to live in truth? It’s simple. We are thinking more about ourselves and coming from our egos. We simply don’t want to have to face the consequences of what we are doing and be forced to change our hurtful behaviors. We don’t want to feel bad about ourselves by having to see clearly what is really going on. Or, to share another quote, We tell lies when we are afraid… afraid of what we don’t know, afraid of what others will think, afraid of what will be found out about us. But every time we tell a lie, the thing that we fear grows stronger. ~Tad Williams. In short, we are afraid to love and feed fear in our lives instead.

Ok, I don’t expect people to be perfect. But, try this on for size. Next time you catch yourself or other people telling lies ask yourself this, “What am I afraid of and how does this reflect a lack of love in myself or a lack of love regarding the people I am with?” Then, ask this, “What would it be like to love myself and others enough to be willing to take the scrape, instead of give one?”

Notice this as well. Despite what people say finding out the truth doesn’t hurt! What hurts is discovering how much there was a lack of love and how real love was replaced by deception and fear. Remember, real love heals it doesn’t hurt. And, though it may hurt to find out about lies, shedding them actually opens you up to attracting more real love in your life creating space for the rapture described in the main quote above — for yourself and the people around you.

Blessings,

Dr. Lisa Love

Copyright © 2009 by Lisa Love. All Rights Reserved.

FREE GIFTS ON MY WEBSITE: Go to: http://www.doctorlisalove.com/freegifts.html

Music video by Haddaway performing What Is Love. (C) 2010 Razor & Tie
Video Rating: 4 / 5

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Interracial Relationships

It all started when the first English occupants in America have built their colonies in the 1600’s. The Americans have been criticizing these interracial relationships because they do not want a black slave to marry a white person. These relationships have been highly contested in the states of Pennsylvania, North and South Carolina, Massachusetts, and Maryland where there are laws that prohibited interracial marriage.

By the year 1691, the state of Virginia have charged serious offenses to interracial couples and labeling their siblings to be bastards and outcast in the society. When the 13th amendment on the American constitution was instituted in 1865 in some southern states of America, slavery on blacks was abolished. However, interracial marriage is not yet allowed and will still be banned from every part of the country. The reason is, many white Americans do not want any black slaves or Native Americans pollute their genuine white race.

Many believe that 70 percent of black Americans nowadays are descendants of interracial couples. Many great black Americans that have lived like Martin Luther King Jr. and Booker T. Washington came from black and white ancestors. In the civil war era where blacks have been fighting for equal rights, Frederick Douglas was very vocal on saying that interracial marriage can trigger the acceptance of the exiled black slaves in the American society.

When the Supreme Court has abolished the last anti-miscegenation laws on interracial marriages, there was a great increase on the number of relationships that involved blacks and whites. Although the law now accepts it, there is still the existence of cultural betrayal. Many black Americans believe that whenever their children are dating or suppose to marry a white, they are betraying their families and especially their cultural heritage.

Many interracial couples have fought for this kind of relationship to be accepted with open arms in every society because they believe that it can come up to be the solution on racial prejudice and racial conflicts. They call for reconciliation because they see the world one day living in equality and racism is no more tolerated. More importantly, race is not an issue anymore because everybody is unified as one in the eyes of God, which is the human race.

Interracial relationships have some advantages and disadvantages, although there could be a number of advantages to be identified but some may encounter problems when they are in interracial relationships. Here are some that can be advantageous or disadvantageous in some aspects.

1.It can bring to a more colorful family history. Family members can learn more on their heritage and their ancestors. It can be an interesting subject whenever there are stories why their ancestors came to this place and how they have lived their lives even they have different races.

2.It could be more appealing to others, if the person is a combination of two different races. The feeling of uniqueness can be an attraction especially if the person knows how to blend well to different societies. In some instances a person with interracial heritage can feel fresh if he has places to visit if both of his parents came from two different countries.

3.If a person is hanging out with someone with a different racial origin, there is the opportunity to learn the person’s culture and tradition. These can be very interesting subjects to carry as the person goes home, and he may share to his peers what he had learned and experience.

4. Sometimes the acceptance can be very disturbing. There are some people that cannot get over on the reality that people can now live together even with different races. Most parents in this generation that have children that are product of interracial relationships still experience some isolated cases of discrimination and prejudice.

5.There are also cases where there are children that were born on interracial relationships come back to their heritage to get some revenge because of the racial issue that were not accepted in their situations. This could not be a good resort to get over the anger and hatred. Some people do these things as their responsibility to point out their reasons. These instances may lead to family conflicts and feud.

Interracial relationships may be good or bad depending on one’s principle. No matter what origin or race the person may come from, it is important that people realize that all people are created equal in eyes of God. People must learn how to accept no matter what the color, the race and tradition.

An ethnography on interracial relationships by UNC Chapel Hill students.

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Laugh and Love your Dog

I found a rugged quartz crystal in our garden yesterday and brought it to my writing table, to gaze at its beauty and reveal its mystery as I write, like gazing into a crystal ball.

The five crystals in the center of it are perfect, in their own wild way, like the days I spent in total conflict with myself, with society and the world.

It brings to mind one of my favorite Alphia stories, my golden German Shepard Collie of the 1960’s, the pre-Funk commune years, occurring several months after the communal caravan arrived in San Francisco.

We found our large Victorian house after several weeks of illegal camping around the jagged Pacific shore hideaways and in the many untamed parks for which the city is famous.

The caravan people had remained disgruntled in spite of the constant dog/God guidance surrounding us.

A chasm developed between those who wanted to join the ranks of the work-a-day world, and the four of us who went on to establish the Funky Farm community and knew that going to work was antithetical to living creatively by the seat of our pants.

I had come to a place within myself where I needed to live outside of the mainstream, established 9-5 ho-hum I’m beaten down, kill me now style of existence I imagined my father ascribing to for his thirty-five working years, at the same place, doing the same job, everyday. I’d think of an exhilarating alternative, bet on that.

My life as a rip off artist now began in earnest.

One day, I took Alphia Lee for a walk in Golden Gate park. A squirrel distracted her from the beloved stick, and damn it if she didn’t run in front of a fast moving car. She crawled back to the side of the road.

I remember crying and kneeling beside her, going over her body, getting a sense of how badly she was hurt. A car pulled over and a young man asked to take me where ever I wished to go.

He had an old blanket and we carefully laid her on it.

Then he drove Alphia and me to the big rambling Victorian house that was our temporary abode.

We prepared a bed for her with old blankets and rags.

She’d look at us with a forlorn Muki eye, the dog who joined me 28 years later to show me true love.

That look inspired me to slip into the meat department of a local Safeway, and steal one steak a day for her, and for her only.

Then we’d sit with her for hours, stroking her neck and body and encouraging her to come back to us.

The long intimate times we spent with her were patient and happy. We did not desperately plead with her to live rather than die. Rather, we coaxed her gently, showing her our love, and gave her the great option of living with a handful of rogues completely alienated from society.

She opted to spend a few more years with us in our experiment of living–dangerously.

Love is real, real is love.
Video Rating: 4 / 5

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Marriage Counseling – Respect and Boundaries in Marriage

Many people think that boundaries are like a “keep out” fence that distance you from your spouse. In fact, appropriate boundaries bring you closer in Marriage. Respect is one of the foundational aspects of a close and healthy marriage. We all want and deserve respect. Below is a list of boundaries and ways to show your spouse respect. Employing these suggestions will have a very positive effect on your marriage.

Secrets are appropriate for birthdays and Christmas! Otherwise secrets are very damaging to a marriage. Secrets and lies are cousins. Secrets are unexpressed lies and have no place in a close relationship. Secrets often are about money and relationships. We do not have to share things from our past that we have repented of and that do not affect your relationship today.

 

Keep your mate’s flaws private. Do not discuss your spouse’s flaws with your family or friends. This is very disrespectful to your mate. The first person you should talk to is your spouse. Sit down and have an honest discussion about the problem. If your mate’s flaws become damaging to your relationship, seek out the help of your Pastor or a Counselor.

 

On a similar note, keep your marriage problems private. Seek help from your Pastor or seek Marriage Counseling. Sometimes even reading a good book on the subject may help; especially if the two of you read it together. Sharing your problems with family or friends tends to polarize the situation. Rarely, even if we are sure about it, is the person we go to objective. After all, they are our friend or family member and they care about us so much that they may not be objective.

 

It is important to create appropriate division of household chores and parenting responsibilities. In the current day and age often there are two wage earners in the home. When Mom stays at home with the kids, she can be just as, if not more exhausted than Dad.

 

In a Marriage, there is no place for close “personal “friends of the opposite sex. This can create significant problems in a relationship. Affairs often develop out of situations where a person goes to their friend because “they are not being understood” at home. When the “friend” steps in and fills that role it is fertile ground for an affair to develop. You may say that you are not that kind of person to let that happen. As Marriage Counselors, we hear those very words from many couples who come to us to try to heal from adultery. Be wise and make your spouse your only close friend of the opposite sex.

One of the biggest complaints people make when they come in for marriage counseling is that they do not feel like they are number one with their spouse. This is true for men and women. It could be friends, work, hobbies, extended family, children or many other things. The best marriages always have husband and wife putting their spouse first (after God).

Marriages thrive on closeness. Find ways to return to the closeness you once had. Look for ways to reduce boundaries between you and your spouse, leaving only healthy boundaries, and create healthy boundaries between your relationship and the outside world that protects your marriage.

This is quite funny, poking fun at the Indian tradition. Has NOTHING To Do With My Portfolio.
Video Rating: 4 / 5

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Marriage Counseling: Financial Stress and Crisis

“How to mend your Marriage when the Bank is breaking”.

Financial stress is overtaking many marriages today. It can be the straw that breaks the camel’s back when there are other issues in a marriage. Financial worries invite couples to play the “blame game”. No one is taking their own portion of responsibility, each just blames the other.

Whether it is a job loss, overspending, unexpected bills or a myriad of other challenges, this is a time to come together. It is not a time to point fingers. It is more important to plan together how to overcome the situation than to concentrate on whose fault it is.

There are times when both spouses share in the responsibility and times when one has had a greater influence in the degrading of financial stability. In either case, it is important for the two of you to be part of the solution.

In most marriages one of the spouses is a spender and one is a saver. This is quite typical. Often the reason for the differences is previous life experiences. But when you are already in financial crisis, it is imperative to join forces in order to get your feet back on the ground.

If it took a long time to get into the “financial mess” it may not be a quick turnaround. The time to achieve financial health will be shortened when you work together rather than focusing on the problem itself.

One of the things couples do is to hide from the total truth. It is important to lay out the entire financial situation. Starting with regular bills and obligations and working your way through the occasional expenditure. Also it is important to plan for the unexpected. The only way to be in charge of your finances is manage them rather than having them manage you.

Many couples find that by contacting their creditors they can make arrangements to pay off bills at a slower pace, or sometimes the creditors are willing to settle for a smaller amount.

There are many ways to move forward, but one that we like is to pay off the smaller bills first so that you can experience a sense of accomplishment. Like all of you financial decisions it is important to enthusiastically agree on your methodology.

There are only two ways to move from financial despair to financial security and it is best if you combine the two.

The first is to increase your income. Some people find their options limited and others have a variety of choices. In either case, you need to do whatever is available. It may be for each of you to work more than one job for a period of time.

If there are children in the home, it may require some creativity. One answer could be to do web based work. There are many options but it does require effort to find the right fit. When the economy heats up again, it will be easier to find additional employment.

The other method is to spend less. Decrease your spending wherever you can. For folks that have kids, it is important to look at what you are spending on their activities. We do not endorse regular multiple activities for each child. It takes away from family time and minimizes their ability to entertain themselves. We do not always do our children a favor by allowing them to participate in everything.

The most important ingredient is to make these decisions together.

About Marriage Rescue Associates | Christian Marriage Counseling

With over 23 years of experience, Marriage Rescue Associates have discovered many effective methods for helping couples restore their family and marriages. As Christian Marriage Counselors, Marriage Rescue Associates can help construct solutions to rekindle love and rebuild trust that has been torn down by endless conflict, indifference, and unmet needs.

Don’t let your marriage or family become another statistic when you can actually do something to change it.

Seek out Marriage Counseling from an experienced Marriage Counselor that understands your situation and makes you feel comfortable with them.

To learn more about Marriage Rescue Associates, visit us online at www.marriagerescue.org

John McCain, opposed to gay marriage, gets questioned by Ellen Degeneres. There are a few moments where his face looks truly pissed. Aired on May 22, 2008. DISCLAIMER: I do not own this video and my purpose in uploading it is to promote The Ellen Degeneres Show. Free promotion and publicity is a good thing! gay marriage opposition opposed ellen degeneres show voting election barack obama hillary clinton democrat democratic republican senator john mccain mc cain mac cain maccain

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